The Measure of Christian Manliness

People keep telling me that men are in crisis, and, while women are my wheelhouse, I’m observant enough to acknowledge that there seems to be a lot of truth to the claim.

I don’t often weigh in on men’s issues or men’s conferences because I prefer to stay in my lane and write what I know. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that there’s a reason reprobates like Andrew Tate are resonating with the masses, and Jordan Peterson wouldn’t have 8 million followers if he weren’t selling something that people crave, in this case fatherly leadership.

When I talk to my male friends about this, they largely tell me the same thing: Men as a whole are suffering from a crisis of identity in a world that simultaneously punishes them for “toxic masculinity” while shaming them for any hint of “beta” behavior. Half the culture tells them to man up, while the other half calls them monsters for merely existing. And contrary to popular opinion, men are, in fact, sensitive to the criticism. Very sensitive as it turns out.

Writer Christine Emba wrote a brilliant, nuanced piece detailing the struggle. She named the instability so many men feel adjusting to a world where they are suddenly expected to share their power with women. They feel displaced and irrelevant. They feel misjudged and unappreciated. As a friend put it, to those who’ve always held the power, equality can feel like discrimination.

Being the mother of two sons has given me a lot more empathy for this particular dilemma than I might otherwise be inclined to possess. I think I would be a whole lot more open to a conversation about the “war on men” if a fraction of the people complaining about it gave a damn about the literal war that’s been waged against women for centuries, but that discussion will need to wait for another blog. The point is that, regardless of how I feel about it, men seem to be struggling, and that has to matter if we care about the health of the culture around us.

And a lot of leaders in the big “c” Christian church seem to have zeroed in on this crisis of manhood, too. If culture is training men to be passive, feckless dolts who feel guilty about their power, heavy hitters in the church are working overtime to counter this message by encouraging performative masculinity as God’s design for mankind.

Perhaps one of the most poignant examples of this is the annual Stronger Men’s Conference hosted in Springfield, MO, platforming a bunch of celebrity Christians in an arena packed wall to wall with thousands of God-fearing men. This year’s promotional video for the event featured revving motorcycle engines and monster trucks, musclebound dudes getting their heads bashed in with chairs WWE style, and a soundtrack about getting ready to fight.

Last year’s promo video showcased an army tank, Uzis, and some flame cannons with a few glam rockers on stage in the background. Because nothing communicates commitment to Jesus like an army tank, Uzis, and some flame cannons, am I right?

Apparently a major feature of the annual Stronger Men’s conference is their Friday night entertainment, which, in years past, has featured professional bull riding, motocross, and a number of other manly man activities.

As many of you are already aware, this year’s conference was something of a gong show, as the Friday night entertainment featured a shirtless sword swallower on a stripper pole. For those who hadn’t heard, things got super awkward when Mark Driscoll (formerly disgraced pastor who somehow always manages to continue being platformed at major events) took to the stage and rebuked the entire conference for allowing the “Jezebel spirit” of the act to occur at a Christian event. Driscoll was kicked off the stage, and everyone in the audience started yelling at each other in obvious disagreement over the turn of events.

There’s just too much cringe to even unpack it all. Seriously, whose idea was it to bring in a guy with a stripper pole? How does this communicate manly Christian boldness? Whose idea was it to bring in Mark Driscoll as a representative of strong Christian men? The guy’s been exposed as an abuser how many times now? The man who called women “penis homes” is going to be teaching other men how to be beacons of Christian virtue? The guy who spent $200,000 in church funds to get his book on The New York Times bestseller list is the best representative of Christ you can find? Really? And if he’s the only getting the stripper pole thing right, what does that say about the credibility of the other leaders? How does this all go so badly astray?

The machismo messaging isn’t limited to the conference either. Check out the emphasis in the following popular Christian books.

A number of these guys have taken the manliness piece way too far to the degree that they’ve begun categorizing anything feminine as an enemy to the faith. They seem to want a Jesus who comes riding in on an army tank, mowing down the people they dislike. They want a God who cares as much about their deadlifting records as they do. They want a God who looks like them rather than conforming themselves to look like God. They want power, not surrender.

For the record, I have no problem with stereotypical masculinity in it’s time, place, and scope.

I personally enjoy a good rodeo. We all know my husband likes guns. Our living room entertainment center is a gun safe. If you want to go to a monster truck showdown, knock yourself out.

What gives me pause is how frequently these things are built into the collective Christian measure of a man, embraced as part of a person’s actual identity. I reject a hyperfocus on dominance and force and ego at the expense of important Christian virtues like humility and service and selflessness. And I think Christian leaders ought to be a lot more thoughtful about playing into a culture that already idolizes the wrong things when it comes to men’s identities.

In a world where so many men are sitting passively on the sidelines of the culture war that’s destroying our nation’s soul, I fully understand why the “Onward Christian solder!” and “Stand up and fight” messages are so important right now, but it seems to me that the way we fight most successfully is not merely through asserting superficial machismo. Too often the Christian fight club mentality can function as a really slick way of justifying harshness. And if we allow ourselves to believe we’re doing God’s work by “destroying the enemy,” it’s really easy to absolve ourselves of the responsibility to love the enemy, to pray for his salvation, to long to see him restored instead of decimated. This breed of “warrior” can tend to produce some really rotten, hateful fruit of the Westboro Baptist variety.

I’m a fighter myself, so it’s as much a self-preach as anything, but it’s important to remember that we can be bold without being bullies. And when we fight, it’s for God’s glory, not our own personal power. He’s so much more glorified when we love people into His kingdom than He is when we bulldoze them with our superior firepower. Will there come a day when the guns are necessary for the preservation of innocent life? Probably. But the prospect of it certainly shouldn’t bring anyone any joy.

I mean, instead of an army tank, how about a group activity like a half marathon to illustrate the importance of the Christian life as an endurance sport? How spectacularly awkward but profound would it be if thousands of men gathered to wash each others’ feet? What if, instead of sitting around watching beefcakes bash each other in the face with chairs, thousands of men went out en masse into the community to pray for people or volunteer in a homeless shelter or love on the hurting? What kind of memories do you think they might walk away with after something like that? What kind of comradery might they cultivate?

I’m not here to tell men how to run their events. Everyone’s entitled to a little lighthearted entertainment here and there. Bring back competitive jousting or the old school Power Team who ripped phone books in half for Jesus. Like I said, I mostly try to stay in my lane. But it does occur to me that what happens in Christian men’s events actually has pretty strong implications for how these men engage the women in their lives. Men who find their sense of worth in their muscles and alpha status are going to bring that mentality into the home. They are going to demand dominance there. It’s not inconsequential. So in that sense, I would personally prefer that conference leaders would be discerning enough to present them with models of manhood that look a lot more like Jesus than they do like Chuck Norris.

But that’s just me.

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