Are There Red Flags in Your Relationship?

A woman I know recently asked me to consider writing a blog with advice for single moms or women who’ve been burned in love before. I intend to do that and am currently thinking and praying for discernment about what’s most important to say on that topic. But it’s a subject that needs a preface and a few disclaimers. Today’s blog is offered to that end.

The cardinal rule of writing is to write what you know, which explains why I write about women’s issues so much; I’ve lived the things I’m talking about.

Nearly every time I write about dealing with abuse in relationships, I inevitably field a number of messages from women who are currently processing those same struggles. The following is a (non-exhaustive) list of the kinds of things I find myself saying most often in those conversations. My words are geared toward a female audience, but they can just as easily be applied to men:

1. Porn addictions kill love. You do not need to put up with them or enable them. It’s a form of infidelity, and if he’s not willing to tackle it, then you need to distance yourself. Have this discussion early, and be very clear about your expectations and boundaries here. Resist the urge to believe the lie that you can solve this problem for him by making yourself more sexually appealing. It’s a losing game. Porn literally rewires the human brain. It’s poison. Stay away from it.
   

2. Emotional abuse will kill your spirit. Putting up with it is bad for all parties, and if you have children, they will learn to normalize it. Historically, the big “C” church has not always been too great at communicating this, and it’s done an unspeakable amount of damage. I talk about this in greater depth here. There’s a reason that the Good Book advises, “ABOVE ALL ELSE, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Submitting to abuse is not obedience to Christ; it’s actually a choice to enable sin. Again, don’t put up with it.
   

3. Unless it’s legitimately work-related, there is no valid excuse for him to consistently refuse to wear his wedding ring if it’s important to you. It’s a major red flag. Pay attention, and trust your instincts. Now some people will debate me on this, and of course there are exceptions to every rule; some people legitimately hate wearing jewelry, or it irritates their skin. Or they just don’t rely on what they feel or superficial conventions. Whatever the case, the point is that your partner should be proud to claim you in public in every situation. If he’s not, if you can discern that he’s hiding you in any context, that’s a problem.
   

4. If you’re married, he should have no problem with you randomly picking up and scrolling through his phone. Marriages don’t thrive with secrets. There should be nothing to hide.
   

5. You will never be able to compete with his mother, nor should you have to. Insist on firm, clear boundaries where she’s concerned.
   

6. Conditional apologies are manipulations, not apologies. If he can’t apologize without reminding you of all the things you also do wrong in his opinion, he isn’t actually sorry.
   

7. Unless you signed up to be his maid, he doesn’t get to treat you like one. Men can do dishes. And fold laundry. And contribute to the affairs of your household. And they should. You’re both adults.
   

8. He doesn’t need female BFFs. That’s your job, and the position has already been filled. Now don’t be neurotic about this. It’s healthy for grown-ups to facilitate friendships with people of both sexes, but intimacy should be reserved for you. He shouldn’t be calling a female friend to help him process his struggles at work or his problems with his family members. That’s your territory. Claim it.
   

9. Does he love you enough to stay by your side should you suffer third degree burns on your face? It sounds like a crazy question, but the answer is telling. If the answer is “no,” then you deserve better. Your heart must matter to him more than your looks do.
   

10. You shouldn’t need his permission to breathe or have a life. If he guilt trips you out of the relationships and activities that bring you joy, you’ve got a problem. And if he controls you by cutting you off financially, you’ve got a bigger problem.
    
    I’m sure there are things I’m forgetting to include on this list, and I may revise it as the need arises, but I feel like someone might need to read this today. You aren’t being loving by indulging bad behavior. It’s not good for either of you. Know when to draw a hard line. Don’t settle for less than what you need or what you’re worth.