A marriage covenant is broken when one party cheats on or abuses their partner. When the wronged party seeks a divorce they are simply seeking legal recognition that the covenant has already been broken.
I think this is balanced. Unfortunately, the church is full of legalists who have made marriage into an idol. People don't fit into neat little boxes that quietly sit in the pews on Sunday morning. Life is often ugly beyond repair. But God is still there. He loves these messy creations called man. He is there for His children when the church is not. He is the one we cleave to when our church leaders treat us horribly. Praise the Lord we have Him, the God of all compassion who wipes away our tears and gives us hope.
I liked that you looked at this issue from several perspectives, but most importantly you highlighted "but about the abused / betrayed person?"
One tiny nit would be your mention of "separation". When one spouse wants to be financially disentangled from the other we are often advised to pursue legal separation esp when there has been financial abuse/irresponsibility. The caveat is that in most states (I don't know of any exceptions) in the US: banks and financial institutions do not recognize legal separation as financial separation and will still hold the innocent partner responsible for the debts of the irresponsible partner. e.g. if there is a mortgage or other loan financial institutions will only recognize a full divorce/marriage dissolution as a means to fully separate from your partner financially.
I'm going to take exception with an assumption you made here. You made a case that many women are emotionally abused by their husbands. That is a valid assumption. Never once did you mention that many men are emotionally abused by their wives. By failing to do so, you have implied that it doesn't work both ways. That is invalid.
I have written about my own experience as an emotionally abused husband on my Stack. I'm not going to post a link here without your permission as the purpose of your stack is certainly not to promote mine, but I know I'm not the only one, and I would invite you to take a look at what myself and others have written. It's not always men who are the abusers.
That much having been said:
I, too, am a Christian and the hardest part about filing for divorce was the religious aspect. I had spoken my vows in a church in a ceremony overseen by a man of the cloth. Sometimes it still bugs me and it's been twelve years since my divorce. It was necessary. God meant for marriage to be a thing of joy (Proverbs 5:18 comes to mind) not a form of torture.
With emotional abuse it can be weird though, especially as a man who was never taught to look for such a thing. I don't know that even a licensed therapist can tell you exactly where the line is. I, for one, never knew that I had been abused until a Friend of the Court referee told me ex-wife that she had abused me. There's also not the threat of serious physical harm or even murder like there is with physical abuse. I did feel that it was necessary to work with my ex to try to resolve things where I wouldn't have if she had struck me hard enough to hurt me. The reason I ended up leaving/filing for divorce was because she refused to take the problem seriously and work with me on anything at all, ever. I was "exaggerating" or being "sarcastic" or "dramatic". Don't even get me started on "funny."
I probably would have left sooner had I realized that what I was dealing with was abuse. I think that's the danger zone here, because you're right that emotional abuse occurs and that most people don't recognize it. It's something that we, as a society, need to talk more about.
I’m not going to defend a point I never made. You’ve made quantum leaps in logic here.
While my activism unapologetically centers women, you’ll notice I was sure to provide resources for men trapped in abuse at the end of the article. This is because I have no problem acknowledging that both men and women can be abused in marriage. My husband’s ex-wife has a criminal record for the domestic violence she inflicted upon him.
In the future, I would suggest that you ask clarifying questions rather than jumping to inaccurate conclusions. I am sorry for the abuse you suffered, though. No one should have to deal with this, but here we are.
Your post made me cry. Having just helped a dear friend escape from a marriage where emotional abuse escalated to physical abuse, I resonated with every word of your post. And had another murdered by the abusive spouse who then committed suicide … and most of the people around them blamed the victim!
Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, would NEVER accept any kind of abuse. And He could discern whether it was the normal negotiations of a relationship or abuse.
Unfortunately, most humans looking from the outside in are not able to… especially because abusers generally 1) confine their abusive behavior to those they wish to control, 2) have an incredible ability to justify their behavior to themselves and others, and 3) appear in their public persona as the sweetest, most loving spouse/partner ever.
Because of the sanctity of marriage, we are urged to try. But that sanctity ONLY exists if both parties give 100% to the marriage, by righteously putting their spouse first.
Bless you for articulating what abuse looks like so clearly for people who have never experienced it, either personally, or vicariously. Or who may be experiencing it, but not recognize it for what it is.
A marriage covenant is broken when one party cheats on or abuses their partner. When the wronged party seeks a divorce they are simply seeking legal recognition that the covenant has already been broken.
I think this is balanced. Unfortunately, the church is full of legalists who have made marriage into an idol. People don't fit into neat little boxes that quietly sit in the pews on Sunday morning. Life is often ugly beyond repair. But God is still there. He loves these messy creations called man. He is there for His children when the church is not. He is the one we cleave to when our church leaders treat us horribly. Praise the Lord we have Him, the God of all compassion who wipes away our tears and gives us hope.
I liked that you looked at this issue from several perspectives, but most importantly you highlighted "but about the abused / betrayed person?"
One tiny nit would be your mention of "separation". When one spouse wants to be financially disentangled from the other we are often advised to pursue legal separation esp when there has been financial abuse/irresponsibility. The caveat is that in most states (I don't know of any exceptions) in the US: banks and financial institutions do not recognize legal separation as financial separation and will still hold the innocent partner responsible for the debts of the irresponsible partner. e.g. if there is a mortgage or other loan financial institutions will only recognize a full divorce/marriage dissolution as a means to fully separate from your partner financially.
👏
I'm going to take exception with an assumption you made here. You made a case that many women are emotionally abused by their husbands. That is a valid assumption. Never once did you mention that many men are emotionally abused by their wives. By failing to do so, you have implied that it doesn't work both ways. That is invalid.
I have written about my own experience as an emotionally abused husband on my Stack. I'm not going to post a link here without your permission as the purpose of your stack is certainly not to promote mine, but I know I'm not the only one, and I would invite you to take a look at what myself and others have written. It's not always men who are the abusers.
That much having been said:
I, too, am a Christian and the hardest part about filing for divorce was the religious aspect. I had spoken my vows in a church in a ceremony overseen by a man of the cloth. Sometimes it still bugs me and it's been twelve years since my divorce. It was necessary. God meant for marriage to be a thing of joy (Proverbs 5:18 comes to mind) not a form of torture.
With emotional abuse it can be weird though, especially as a man who was never taught to look for such a thing. I don't know that even a licensed therapist can tell you exactly where the line is. I, for one, never knew that I had been abused until a Friend of the Court referee told me ex-wife that she had abused me. There's also not the threat of serious physical harm or even murder like there is with physical abuse. I did feel that it was necessary to work with my ex to try to resolve things where I wouldn't have if she had struck me hard enough to hurt me. The reason I ended up leaving/filing for divorce was because she refused to take the problem seriously and work with me on anything at all, ever. I was "exaggerating" or being "sarcastic" or "dramatic". Don't even get me started on "funny."
I probably would have left sooner had I realized that what I was dealing with was abuse. I think that's the danger zone here, because you're right that emotional abuse occurs and that most people don't recognize it. It's something that we, as a society, need to talk more about.
I’m not going to defend a point I never made. You’ve made quantum leaps in logic here.
While my activism unapologetically centers women, you’ll notice I was sure to provide resources for men trapped in abuse at the end of the article. This is because I have no problem acknowledging that both men and women can be abused in marriage. My husband’s ex-wife has a criminal record for the domestic violence she inflicted upon him.
In the future, I would suggest that you ask clarifying questions rather than jumping to inaccurate conclusions. I am sorry for the abuse you suffered, though. No one should have to deal with this, but here we are.
Your post made me cry. Having just helped a dear friend escape from a marriage where emotional abuse escalated to physical abuse, I resonated with every word of your post. And had another murdered by the abusive spouse who then committed suicide … and most of the people around them blamed the victim!
Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, would NEVER accept any kind of abuse. And He could discern whether it was the normal negotiations of a relationship or abuse.
Unfortunately, most humans looking from the outside in are not able to… especially because abusers generally 1) confine their abusive behavior to those they wish to control, 2) have an incredible ability to justify their behavior to themselves and others, and 3) appear in their public persona as the sweetest, most loving spouse/partner ever.
Because of the sanctity of marriage, we are urged to try. But that sanctity ONLY exists if both parties give 100% to the marriage, by righteously putting their spouse first.
Bless you for articulating what abuse looks like so clearly for people who have never experienced it, either personally, or vicariously. Or who may be experiencing it, but not recognize it for what it is.
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