If it helps, I think I understand a lot of how it is for you; this essay sounds like much of how it's been for me. Having a (genuinely) traumatic childhood that leaves scars, then being/feeling re-traumatized in adulthood in a society that runs on the hellish rules that governed childhood, is very difficult.
"Resilience is a worthy goal, but it has to be properly cultivated, or you’ll end up harvesting a whole lot of bitterness and mistaking it for strength." Oof. I am guilty of slathering others with contempt for weaknesses I didn't share. Pushing myself until my body broke time after time--and then bitterly resenting a body that, after years of abuse would betray me by needing care. And I remember the tender agony of realizing that I had actually been partnering with the enemy of my soul and my abusers to destroy me. That my body actually WAS me, not some disposable tool to be utilized by my mind and spirit. How horrifyingly sad to realize that in the name of grit, I had entered into this unholy alliance. Praise Jesus for tenderly forgiving and leading me into restoration. I now shamelessly practice self-care and I feel His pleasure as I do. "This, daughter is the way we triumph over evil."
RE: the person you saw babying a sprained ankle. Oh Lord, do I know both sides of this one. I sometimes hear someone identifying something as a trauma that I would kill for (i.e. their loving father, who was always there for them and never let them down in any way until he *gasp* voted the wrong way) and have to consciously remind myself, repeatedly, that my jealousy and disdain won't help me get past my issues and it won't make them appreciate how good they have it. Nor is a snarling, judgmental bitch the person I want to be.
On the other hand, I have close friends who downplay real trauma because my life has been worse than theirs. This comes up often enough that I have a quasi-memorized speech. "Trauma is trauma. What happened to you matters. It doesn't matter less because it wasn't getting raped at age six. These things are contextual, and that's true for everyone. In some ways it's easier to have had my childhood because I rarely let my guard down and thus was rarely disappointed. Regular episodes of whiplash is more painful than a chronic injury."
Not much to add, just wanted to say that I felt this and you said it well. Thanks.
Thank you Kaeley. I regularly read your posts and benefit so much from them. As a fellow survivor of domestic abuse I value your writing more than you can know. Please keep writing.
Thank you. This hits home today.
Your writings often move me to a place where I’m asking myself “I don’t think I’ve truly dealt with my own trauma.” Thank you for your honesty.
If it helps, I think I understand a lot of how it is for you; this essay sounds like much of how it's been for me. Having a (genuinely) traumatic childhood that leaves scars, then being/feeling re-traumatized in adulthood in a society that runs on the hellish rules that governed childhood, is very difficult.
"Resilience is a worthy goal, but it has to be properly cultivated, or you’ll end up harvesting a whole lot of bitterness and mistaking it for strength." Oof. I am guilty of slathering others with contempt for weaknesses I didn't share. Pushing myself until my body broke time after time--and then bitterly resenting a body that, after years of abuse would betray me by needing care. And I remember the tender agony of realizing that I had actually been partnering with the enemy of my soul and my abusers to destroy me. That my body actually WAS me, not some disposable tool to be utilized by my mind and spirit. How horrifyingly sad to realize that in the name of grit, I had entered into this unholy alliance. Praise Jesus for tenderly forgiving and leading me into restoration. I now shamelessly practice self-care and I feel His pleasure as I do. "This, daughter is the way we triumph over evil."
RE: the person you saw babying a sprained ankle. Oh Lord, do I know both sides of this one. I sometimes hear someone identifying something as a trauma that I would kill for (i.e. their loving father, who was always there for them and never let them down in any way until he *gasp* voted the wrong way) and have to consciously remind myself, repeatedly, that my jealousy and disdain won't help me get past my issues and it won't make them appreciate how good they have it. Nor is a snarling, judgmental bitch the person I want to be.
On the other hand, I have close friends who downplay real trauma because my life has been worse than theirs. This comes up often enough that I have a quasi-memorized speech. "Trauma is trauma. What happened to you matters. It doesn't matter less because it wasn't getting raped at age six. These things are contextual, and that's true for everyone. In some ways it's easier to have had my childhood because I rarely let my guard down and thus was rarely disappointed. Regular episodes of whiplash is more painful than a chronic injury."
Not much to add, just wanted to say that I felt this and you said it well. Thanks.
Thank you Kaeley. I regularly read your posts and benefit so much from them. As a fellow survivor of domestic abuse I value your writing more than you can know. Please keep writing.