The Hidden Costs of "Staying for the Kids"

It’s been almost a week since the Coldplay kiss cam scandal rocked the world, initiating a global conversation about tragically familiar topics like abuse of power, betrayal, infidelity, and, significantly in the Christian world, the “d” word—divorce.

Because I try to write mostly about things I know, I’ve written about divorce in the church a number of times, each time feeling more redundant and, perhaps a bit more jaded, than the last. I often feel like I’m swimming upstream against a heavy current of “Thou shalt not divorce, or your children will certainly die” messaging.

And I get it. We live in a throwaway culture that refuses to treat marriage as the sacred covenant that it is, and too much of this casual attitude seems to have crept into the church, where divorce rates are strikingly close to those of the secular world—around 27–32% for practicing Christians compared to 33–37% for non-religious individuals, according to a 2008 Barna Group study. The gap narrows further when including nominal believers who rarely attend church. You will not hear me say divorce is inconsequential, and I understand why so many Christian influencers feel compelled to reiterate how important it is for adults to put their grown-up pants on, prioritize their vows, and do what it takes to remain faithfully committed to each other through thick and thin as best they are able. Divorce does hurt children. You won’t hear me disputing this.

You will, however, hear me loudly calling for more nuance in these important conversations, specifically as it relates to marriages where abuse and toxicity are present.

As a previously single divorced mother, I remember being constantly inundated with messaging insisting that children would turn out terribly as a result of my decision to divorce. It was perpetually discouraging, and it was shortsighted guidance. This obsession with “staying married at all costs” ignores the kids who grow up watching mom cower under dad’s verbal tirades or worse, learning that love means enduring pain. What do kids learn about what it means to be a man when they see their father belittle, control, or harm their mother? Do they grow up believing masculinity is about dominance and rage? What do they learn about womanhood when their mother shrinks under abuse or sacrifices her dignity to keep the family intact? Do they internalize that being a woman means silently enduring suffering? Do boys learn to wield power without accountability, and do girls learn to accept cruelty as part of love?

These dysfunctional cycles, often perpetuated in the name of preserving marriage, can scar children far deeper than a divorce ever could,, with studies showing kids in high-conflict homes face a 30–50% higher risk of anxiety and depression. They are 2-3 times more likely to have behavioral issues. They have a 15-20% likelihood to have poorer grades than their peers from stable homes. They are 50% more likely to struggle with relationship issues. They possess a 10-20% higher risk of stress-related health issues.

Typically when I bring this up, I’m immediately met with a fairly predictable chorus of, “Abuse is bad, but statistics indicate that most divorces are not the result of abuse.” Then they’ll link me to some study, fold their arms, and insist there’s nothing left to discuss.

Data are important. I won’t dispute this. But it’s also true that there are truths the data don’t reveal.

My no-fault divorce says we divorced for irreconcilable differences, when, in fact, it was the quickest, safest route out of abuse and infidelity. Family values groups often use data like this to claim abuse isn’t the cause of divorce, but they aren’t working with the whole picture. In states where no-fault divorce is standard, reasons like abuse or betrayal are rarely documented, leaving us with a skewed picture that downplays their prevalence.

If you dive into available data with a fine-tooth comb, though, you will find research to support the belief that reasonably high percentages of divorces are, in fact, linked to some pretty serious issues. A study cites infidelity as a cause of 59% of divorces, with substance abuse and domestic violence also ranking high as contributing factors. Another source suggests that domestic violence alone is cited in roughly 23.5% of divorces, though some surveys push this closer to 36% when including emotional or verbal abuse. When you factor in that 78% of American men (including 75% of Christian men) watch pornography, with 88% of the most popular porn including physical aggression and 48% including verbal aggression against women, you’ve got a troubling picture of how deeply intertwined these issues can be in the breakdown of marriages, especially when some studies claim that as many as 56% of divorces involve one spouse’s obsessive interest in pornography. These are complex problems with spiritual roots that can be profoundly difficult to overcome, challenging the narrative that most divorces stem from frivolous reasons.

The truth is, the data we do have only tell part of the story. When you account for overlapping issues like infidelity, substance abuse, and domestic violence, the percentage of divorces tied to serious, toxic behaviors likely climbs into the 40–60% range. Yet, these figures are often buried under the broad brush of “irreconcilable differences” in no-fault divorce states, masking the real pain behind many separations.

Infidelity and abuse don’t neatly fit into checkboxes on court forms. When family values advocates wave around statistics claiming abuse is a minor factor, they’re often leaning on incomplete data that fail to capture the lived experiences of survivors.

When we reduce divorce to a moral failure or a lack of grit, we ignore the courage it takes to leave a toxic situation, especially when children are involved. The church’s reflex to double down on “stay married at all costs” can trap people in cycles of harm, teaching kids that love means enduring chaos, enabling sin, and playing the martyr rather than finding peace.

I’m not advocating for a cavalier approach to divorce. Marriage is a sacred covenant, and every effort should be made to honor it when possible. But we must stop pretending that staying in a toxic marriage is always the godly choice. Kids don’t just need a two-parent household; they need a healthy one. We cannot continue to whitewash or ignore the scars of growing up in a war zone disguised as a family. And we must be especially careful not to unwittingly guilt battered, broken spouses into dangerous decisions that prioritize institutions above their physical safety.

We need to listen to survivors, not silence them with statistics that don’t tell the whole story. We need to acknowledge that divorce, while painful, can sometimes be the most redemptive path forward—for both parents and children. The Coldplay scandal has reopened wounds and questions that deserve better than knee-jerk judgment. Let’s use this moment to foster a conversation that honors the complexity of marriage, the reality of abuse, and the hope of healing. By all means, speak the truth that divorce is less than God’s perfect design for marriage. Remind people that children are often the casualties of it. Encourage people to fight tooth and nail for the vows they made. But be intentional about telling a more complete picture and seasoning these conversations with critically important nuance. Because when we cling to rigid rules over real people, we risk missing the heart of the gospel: love that restores, not destroys.

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