Thank you for your honesty. As a woman who is still a virgin in her late 30s I relate to a lot of this. So much of what the church has to say is aimed towards college students or people in their early 20s. They don’t really see people in their 30s and 40s who are single, unmarried, or even divorced and living chastely and adhering to church teaching. There really needs to be more help and community for us.
I commend and applaud you for your commitment and willingness to be real about being celibate until marriage. I made the same commitment and I was blessed to get married just before my 56th birthday. I don't regret the decision at all. The whole anti-purity culture movement is yet another way the enemy tries to pervert the way God designed marriage and fidelity. May he bless you with continued perseverance in your obedience to his design. The truth is that sex is only a small part of a marital relationship and while it is beautiful, it really isn't the best part or the most important part. The companionship and friendship you experience with a spouse is so much more fulfilling.
Wow. Your honesty is refreshing and painful. It’s sobering to think of all the hard things Jesus asks us to do and then be reminded of the hard thing He had to do-become a human, live and die. And all for His love of sinners like me. I have a friend who became a believer in Christ after living a gay lifestyle for most of his life. He now clings to Jesus so deeply and so desperately because he knows how sin crouches at the door. He can barely speak of his Lord without tearing up. All I can say is your struggle has led you to a depth of commitment and so close to the heart of our God that I can’t even imagine. God bless you and thank you so much for sharing.
Matthew, this was amazing. So thoughtful and deep that it deserves re-reading. I believe your intentionality to be a husband/father to those whom God brings across your path will rescue many who are desperately in need of those figures.
Something else I would like for you to consider: God might actually be sparing you from something worse. As much as your pain is right now, the pain of staying committed in a miserable marriage is, I dare say, much worse. Although lonely right now, you are as free as you allow yourself to be. You aren't enduring the confusion of relational disappointment, betrayal, and cruel emotional turmoil. I know it sounds like a pat answer, but truly, make the most of the freedom you have right now, because when you do commit yourselve to someone, you will need to lay yourself down like you couldn't have imagined. And maybe that's why God is having you wait. Because someday, when it gets hard, you will be able to remind yourself that this is what you wanted--the opportunity to give your life for another--and the memory of the loneliness will help you keep things in perspective.
Another thought: The older you are when you marry, the better you know yourself and hopefully the more mature you will be, so the less possibility of marital failure or misery. (There's also the possibility that you become so stuck in your ways that you don't know how to adjust to married life, so if God brings a wife, watch out for that.) So yeah, you could be spared a miserable marriage either by not having one or by being more mature when you do enter one. Your daily mantra needs to be, "God, I trust you!" God bless you, Matthew.
I by some amazing blessing had a conservative sociology professor in college. When we looked at marriage success outcomes, the older a person was at FIRST marriage the less likely divorce.
As a virgin woman who’s turning 40 in a few months myself, I really respect you for writing this. We’re probably some ways apart theologically—I grew up Anglo-Catholic and am now going to an Eastern Orthodox church—but I expect our views are closer to each other’s than either is to the surrounding culture. I’m not sure who’s got it harder on this one: you’re right about the kids thing being worse (or at least, worse sooner) for women, but I think the actual sexual temptation is probably less, and the social stigma probably less as well, even now. Anyway, as your player friend said, mad respect. 🫡
You are definitely not alone. I am a 37 year old, virgin spinster who chose to remain single and subsequently celibate due to my poor health and infertility. It is a lonely and heavy cross. People treat you like a freak or a unicorn. But believe me when I say, my faith is my comfort. I am a Catholic and God gave me this cross, I refuse to let people or myself feel sorry for me. I believe there are more of us than we realize. Prayers for you brother. Prayers, hope and strength. May God bless you and keep you close to Him. 🙏
What tremendous courage it takes to publish something so vulnerable. Wow.
I'm old enough to have seen many of the marriages I witnessed in my 20's end in divorce, complicated child custody arrangements, child support, lawyer fees, and emotional trauma. My 45 year old friend has never married and she feels God spared her from such tragedies as she now knows that she isn't the best judge of character.
One thing that helped in my single years was my cat. I know it sounds silly but his little warm purring body next to my legs when I slept was really comforting. And it was like he knew when I was sad, he'd snuggle up to my chest and wrap his little paw around my arm.
I have a male friend similar to you that was despondent the last few days because once again he got friend zoned. I believe he turns 40 this year. It’s so hard. I do think purity culture pushed a prosperity gospel mindset around waiting for sex. I know I heard or it was implicated that if you wait it will be worth it and like you don’t have to wait that long, just a few years. When you’re 16 and think you’ll get married in 4-6 years that’s feasible. But when your 20s pass and then 30s it feels like you held up your end of the bargain but God didn’t bless you 😩😩😩😩 such a hard place to be in
Very relatable, as we are of the same age, and I was in your shoes for many years as well (thankfully, I am now married with 3 kids under five, and a lovely wife who became seriously ill a few months ago, and now we are facing a long and tortuous therapy... talk about everyone having his cross!). Moreover, guys like you (or us, if you ask me just 7 years ago) have quite a hard time, and we sometimes are also being ridiculed by those on the right, or even in the Church. I bet you had your fair share of 'advice' from almost everyone, so I can only offer one thing: I will pray for you to do not give up and find your fulfilment and vocation even in your single years!
As a 63-year-old virgin, I still cannot claim to have empathy because my libido has always been extraordinarily low and now is almost completely nonexistent.
Having said that, I would like to offer some advice that you may or may not find useful.
You need to find a church with a very large number of single women between the age of 30 and 40. I’m not saying that the church should be thought of as a dating club. But a great many people just naturally happen to find their spouse at a church they attend. And it becomes very hard if there are no reasonable prospects at the church that you attend.
You should also not be looking for a woman who is necessarily a great beauty. She should be a godly woman with a genetic temperament which makes you feel very comfortable conversing with her.
I suspect that this may get you closer to finding a life partner.
Most of this is good but the statement "you should not be looking for a woman who is necessarily a great beauty" always seems to me to be saying or implying other things. Namely, "settle for someone you are not attracted to" or, "marry a girl who is unattractive, as it will be easier; no competition", or even "listen, you're not a looker, nor do you have status, nor $, therefor, go for a girl who isn't very attractive. It's all you're gonna be able to get". I don't think you, or others who say this, intend to give these meanings to the statement "don't date for looks", but I think these assumptions are always implied or assumed by the hearer.
All I was saying is that if your priority is on the physical, that may be the only thing desirable you get, and only in the short term since beauty fades.
I understand that, and it's true. I think of my grandparents who are were deeply in love into their 80s and 90s. This love can only come about from decades together. That being said, as an unmarried person, the two or three girls who have broken my heart in the past, part of the reason I liked them so much was because of their looks. This of course is not the only or even the main thing that caused me to want to be with them, but it was still important. If someone dates only goes for looks, that person is shallow and won't be able to sustain a relationship.
This is really wise. Especially the beauty part; thank you for naming that! Also, I would say if the author is called to his church, he does not neccesarily have to leave churches altogether. But could he attend evening events at another church?
This was an excellent essay, with good levity for a serious and heart-rending topic. Among both Catholics and Protestants, there is the question of how we do we answer those who spend much if not all of their years as devoted singles? One friend of mine believes the culture at large is so broken, there will be a huge population of singles who waited too long to get married and suffer with regret and a quiet anger at never finding a spouse, both secular and religious.
I once heard a priest give a talk once that about 1/3 of all adults are called to take a vow of chastity and serve in the religious life. Protestantism doesn't have the structure for that, but Catholicism does. There is no easy answer to the "why" of why God asks us to wait, or, never delivers. But, he works all things toward his good and the good of his kingdom, which we are not generally able to see until a later stage, if at all, and only then, probably once we get to heaven.
It's difficult to say why you have not met your wife yet. I'm familiar with the DC area, and for Catholics and Protestants alike, secular cultural issues notwithstanding, it's a tough place to date. Lots of cafeteria Christians abound, or just even cradle Christians who are well-intentioned but still operate by a surface level understanding of the faith. All joking aside, if you're open to conversion, I have several really nice Catholic female friends who are in a similar situation: they've been waiting till marriage and are deeply devout and faithful Christians who are still trying to find their spouses. They live in Northern Virginia, if that helps.
I appreciated your article, and I wish you the best. A friend of mine got married at 40 a couple years ago and had his son at 41. It can and does happen, but everything is in God's timing. Stay strong and keep the faith.
I actually think the pushing of vocations on single devote Catholics is a problem. I’m a single virginal Catholic women, now 46. I live in the Bible Belt and I know that if I converted to a traditional Baptist congregation they would have me married within the year. I think the pressure on Catholic guys that if they are faithful and didn’t marry their high school sweetheart straight out of parochial school, that they must have a vocation to the priesthood scares them out of the young adult groups.
I’ve been reading Love and Responsibility by John Paul II (Karol Wojtyla) and the concept that all men are called to be fathers and all women are called to be mothers rings so true.
In the more liberal Catholic Churches, they have started saying the singleness is a possible vocation. I don’t think so. Priests and Brothers are married to the Church and Nuns are married to Jesus. Singles are a tragedy, something to be fixed if possible.
You bring up a very valid and thoughtful point. From the perspective of a woman, we get a different kind of pushing than they do for sure, although in disclosure I converted so my perspective will be a bit different than someone who grew up in the faith and may have seen these attitudes evolve or shift over the course of their lifetime.
I can't speak for what living as a Catholic in the Bible Belt is like, but out on the East Coast in an urban area, I think there's a greater cultural factor at play that we aren't taking into account. I've lived out here for nearly a decade, and prior to meeting my husband, the dating market was tough. My guess is, due to the removal of self from kin and close community relationships like we found in earlier villages and hamlets, many of the cultural norms (like getting married early, for example) are dispensed with to an extent because the young men and women who migrate to large areas for jobs are displaced from their founding community, mores, and beliefs; I posit this holds true for both secular and religious. What is strongly lacking though is multigenerational community that interacts with one another, vouches and vets people, and above all, enforces the norm of making a marital match (among other behavioral norms). Since there aren't really elders that have authority to enforce or encourage norms, many of the young adults I've met are adrift. Now, if you live in a smaller town and not a large urban area, there are probably other factors at play that need to be considered.
My feeling is much of this is the erosion of those "norms" over time due to our present culture, but historically speaking (from friends who've talked about this) most single adults were in the lower and working classes, and they often didn't get married until they were much older, into their 30s and 40s. It was usually the upper classes that married as young as they did. This obsession with marrying young is a much newer concept than most realize it is.
Singles are a tragedy, and yes, the religious are married to Christ. But the question becomes a more difficult one when, if you are no longer a virgin and cannot go through becoming a consecrated virgin (or nun, priest, hermit, etc), what kind of religious vocation is there for you, should it turn out you have one? My husband and I have a friend who is a revert and has been going through the unusual process of trying to become a nonvirginal single who has since become chaste, married to Christ, and working out the particulars of becoming a hermit. Is such a lifestyle a portent to come of a new movement? We don't know. All one can do is strive to keep the faith and hold fast to God as He works to make all things, good and bad, toward the good of His kingdom.
Mad respect from someone who did not take the path you so honestly describe here but deeply admires you for doing so. God bless you, Man. Thank you for writing this excellent post. I’ll see you in Glory. https://youtu.be/5Jj0ZTzgmGM?feature=shared
Thank you for your honesty. As a woman who is still a virgin in her late 30s I relate to a lot of this. So much of what the church has to say is aimed towards college students or people in their early 20s. They don’t really see people in their 30s and 40s who are single, unmarried, or even divorced and living chastely and adhering to church teaching. There really needs to be more help and community for us.
It’s worth reflecting deeply on the question of why the church doesn’t offer more help or community to this group
I commend and applaud you for your commitment and willingness to be real about being celibate until marriage. I made the same commitment and I was blessed to get married just before my 56th birthday. I don't regret the decision at all. The whole anti-purity culture movement is yet another way the enemy tries to pervert the way God designed marriage and fidelity. May he bless you with continued perseverance in your obedience to his design. The truth is that sex is only a small part of a marital relationship and while it is beautiful, it really isn't the best part or the most important part. The companionship and friendship you experience with a spouse is so much more fulfilling.
Thank you for sharing, your story gives me hope, I’m in a bad place in my life because I’m 46 and still single. Hopefully the wait will be worth it.
What if it’s not?
Wow. Your honesty is refreshing and painful. It’s sobering to think of all the hard things Jesus asks us to do and then be reminded of the hard thing He had to do-become a human, live and die. And all for His love of sinners like me. I have a friend who became a believer in Christ after living a gay lifestyle for most of his life. He now clings to Jesus so deeply and so desperately because he knows how sin crouches at the door. He can barely speak of his Lord without tearing up. All I can say is your struggle has led you to a depth of commitment and so close to the heart of our God that I can’t even imagine. God bless you and thank you so much for sharing.
Where is this guy? I have a 40 year old never-married niece who would like to meet him.
I was thinking the same thing! I have a 29 year old, lovely Catholic friend in need of a godly husband!
Also thinking the same thing! My dear, 40 year old, godly friend might be a good match!
Matthew, this was amazing. So thoughtful and deep that it deserves re-reading. I believe your intentionality to be a husband/father to those whom God brings across your path will rescue many who are desperately in need of those figures.
Something else I would like for you to consider: God might actually be sparing you from something worse. As much as your pain is right now, the pain of staying committed in a miserable marriage is, I dare say, much worse. Although lonely right now, you are as free as you allow yourself to be. You aren't enduring the confusion of relational disappointment, betrayal, and cruel emotional turmoil. I know it sounds like a pat answer, but truly, make the most of the freedom you have right now, because when you do commit yourselve to someone, you will need to lay yourself down like you couldn't have imagined. And maybe that's why God is having you wait. Because someday, when it gets hard, you will be able to remind yourself that this is what you wanted--the opportunity to give your life for another--and the memory of the loneliness will help you keep things in perspective.
Another thought: The older you are when you marry, the better you know yourself and hopefully the more mature you will be, so the less possibility of marital failure or misery. (There's also the possibility that you become so stuck in your ways that you don't know how to adjust to married life, so if God brings a wife, watch out for that.) So yeah, you could be spared a miserable marriage either by not having one or by being more mature when you do enter one. Your daily mantra needs to be, "God, I trust you!" God bless you, Matthew.
Lydia, I’m not sure why but your comment bright tears to my eyes 🥲 Something in there for me to ponder and wrestle with, I’m sure.
And while I’m here, thank you Matthew for being so frank and not mincing any words. It takes a lot to courage to lay it out like this and hit publish🙏
I by some amazing blessing had a conservative sociology professor in college. When we looked at marriage success outcomes, the older a person was at FIRST marriage the less likely divorce.
As a virgin woman who’s turning 40 in a few months myself, I really respect you for writing this. We’re probably some ways apart theologically—I grew up Anglo-Catholic and am now going to an Eastern Orthodox church—but I expect our views are closer to each other’s than either is to the surrounding culture. I’m not sure who’s got it harder on this one: you’re right about the kids thing being worse (or at least, worse sooner) for women, but I think the actual sexual temptation is probably less, and the social stigma probably less as well, even now. Anyway, as your player friend said, mad respect. 🫡
You are definitely not alone. I am a 37 year old, virgin spinster who chose to remain single and subsequently celibate due to my poor health and infertility. It is a lonely and heavy cross. People treat you like a freak or a unicorn. But believe me when I say, my faith is my comfort. I am a Catholic and God gave me this cross, I refuse to let people or myself feel sorry for me. I believe there are more of us than we realize. Prayers for you brother. Prayers, hope and strength. May God bless you and keep you close to Him. 🙏
What tremendous courage it takes to publish something so vulnerable. Wow.
I'm old enough to have seen many of the marriages I witnessed in my 20's end in divorce, complicated child custody arrangements, child support, lawyer fees, and emotional trauma. My 45 year old friend has never married and she feels God spared her from such tragedies as she now knows that she isn't the best judge of character.
One thing that helped in my single years was my cat. I know it sounds silly but his little warm purring body next to my legs when I slept was really comforting. And it was like he knew when I was sad, he'd snuggle up to my chest and wrap his little paw around my arm.
I have a male friend similar to you that was despondent the last few days because once again he got friend zoned. I believe he turns 40 this year. It’s so hard. I do think purity culture pushed a prosperity gospel mindset around waiting for sex. I know I heard or it was implicated that if you wait it will be worth it and like you don’t have to wait that long, just a few years. When you’re 16 and think you’ll get married in 4-6 years that’s feasible. But when your 20s pass and then 30s it feels like you held up your end of the bargain but God didn’t bless you 😩😩😩😩 such a hard place to be in
This was beautiful to read. This man is a hero, and if he is one day called to marriage he sounds like he will be a wonderful husband.
Very relatable, as we are of the same age, and I was in your shoes for many years as well (thankfully, I am now married with 3 kids under five, and a lovely wife who became seriously ill a few months ago, and now we are facing a long and tortuous therapy... talk about everyone having his cross!). Moreover, guys like you (or us, if you ask me just 7 years ago) have quite a hard time, and we sometimes are also being ridiculed by those on the right, or even in the Church. I bet you had your fair share of 'advice' from almost everyone, so I can only offer one thing: I will pray for you to do not give up and find your fulfilment and vocation even in your single years!
As a 63-year-old virgin, I still cannot claim to have empathy because my libido has always been extraordinarily low and now is almost completely nonexistent.
Having said that, I would like to offer some advice that you may or may not find useful.
You need to find a church with a very large number of single women between the age of 30 and 40. I’m not saying that the church should be thought of as a dating club. But a great many people just naturally happen to find their spouse at a church they attend. And it becomes very hard if there are no reasonable prospects at the church that you attend.
You should also not be looking for a woman who is necessarily a great beauty. She should be a godly woman with a genetic temperament which makes you feel very comfortable conversing with her.
I suspect that this may get you closer to finding a life partner.
Most of this is good but the statement "you should not be looking for a woman who is necessarily a great beauty" always seems to me to be saying or implying other things. Namely, "settle for someone you are not attracted to" or, "marry a girl who is unattractive, as it will be easier; no competition", or even "listen, you're not a looker, nor do you have status, nor $, therefor, go for a girl who isn't very attractive. It's all you're gonna be able to get". I don't think you, or others who say this, intend to give these meanings to the statement "don't date for looks", but I think these assumptions are always implied or assumed by the hearer.
All I was saying is that if your priority is on the physical, that may be the only thing desirable you get, and only in the short term since beauty fades.
I understand that, and it's true. I think of my grandparents who are were deeply in love into their 80s and 90s. This love can only come about from decades together. That being said, as an unmarried person, the two or three girls who have broken my heart in the past, part of the reason I liked them so much was because of their looks. This of course is not the only or even the main thing that caused me to want to be with them, but it was still important. If someone dates only goes for looks, that person is shallow and won't be able to sustain a relationship.
“Marry your best friend” is a phrase that has made sense to me.
This is really wise. Especially the beauty part; thank you for naming that! Also, I would say if the author is called to his church, he does not neccesarily have to leave churches altogether. But could he attend evening events at another church?
I don’t see why not.
You are a good man. Thanks for your witness. Thank you for standing fast. In the unexpected words of the one man: “Mad Respect!”
I loved this. What a beautiful essay.
This was an excellent essay, with good levity for a serious and heart-rending topic. Among both Catholics and Protestants, there is the question of how we do we answer those who spend much if not all of their years as devoted singles? One friend of mine believes the culture at large is so broken, there will be a huge population of singles who waited too long to get married and suffer with regret and a quiet anger at never finding a spouse, both secular and religious.
I once heard a priest give a talk once that about 1/3 of all adults are called to take a vow of chastity and serve in the religious life. Protestantism doesn't have the structure for that, but Catholicism does. There is no easy answer to the "why" of why God asks us to wait, or, never delivers. But, he works all things toward his good and the good of his kingdom, which we are not generally able to see until a later stage, if at all, and only then, probably once we get to heaven.
It's difficult to say why you have not met your wife yet. I'm familiar with the DC area, and for Catholics and Protestants alike, secular cultural issues notwithstanding, it's a tough place to date. Lots of cafeteria Christians abound, or just even cradle Christians who are well-intentioned but still operate by a surface level understanding of the faith. All joking aside, if you're open to conversion, I have several really nice Catholic female friends who are in a similar situation: they've been waiting till marriage and are deeply devout and faithful Christians who are still trying to find their spouses. They live in Northern Virginia, if that helps.
I appreciated your article, and I wish you the best. A friend of mine got married at 40 a couple years ago and had his son at 41. It can and does happen, but everything is in God's timing. Stay strong and keep the faith.
I actually think the pushing of vocations on single devote Catholics is a problem. I’m a single virginal Catholic women, now 46. I live in the Bible Belt and I know that if I converted to a traditional Baptist congregation they would have me married within the year. I think the pressure on Catholic guys that if they are faithful and didn’t marry their high school sweetheart straight out of parochial school, that they must have a vocation to the priesthood scares them out of the young adult groups.
I’ve been reading Love and Responsibility by John Paul II (Karol Wojtyla) and the concept that all men are called to be fathers and all women are called to be mothers rings so true.
In the more liberal Catholic Churches, they have started saying the singleness is a possible vocation. I don’t think so. Priests and Brothers are married to the Church and Nuns are married to Jesus. Singles are a tragedy, something to be fixed if possible.
You bring up a very valid and thoughtful point. From the perspective of a woman, we get a different kind of pushing than they do for sure, although in disclosure I converted so my perspective will be a bit different than someone who grew up in the faith and may have seen these attitudes evolve or shift over the course of their lifetime.
I can't speak for what living as a Catholic in the Bible Belt is like, but out on the East Coast in an urban area, I think there's a greater cultural factor at play that we aren't taking into account. I've lived out here for nearly a decade, and prior to meeting my husband, the dating market was tough. My guess is, due to the removal of self from kin and close community relationships like we found in earlier villages and hamlets, many of the cultural norms (like getting married early, for example) are dispensed with to an extent because the young men and women who migrate to large areas for jobs are displaced from their founding community, mores, and beliefs; I posit this holds true for both secular and religious. What is strongly lacking though is multigenerational community that interacts with one another, vouches and vets people, and above all, enforces the norm of making a marital match (among other behavioral norms). Since there aren't really elders that have authority to enforce or encourage norms, many of the young adults I've met are adrift. Now, if you live in a smaller town and not a large urban area, there are probably other factors at play that need to be considered.
My feeling is much of this is the erosion of those "norms" over time due to our present culture, but historically speaking (from friends who've talked about this) most single adults were in the lower and working classes, and they often didn't get married until they were much older, into their 30s and 40s. It was usually the upper classes that married as young as they did. This obsession with marrying young is a much newer concept than most realize it is.
Singles are a tragedy, and yes, the religious are married to Christ. But the question becomes a more difficult one when, if you are no longer a virgin and cannot go through becoming a consecrated virgin (or nun, priest, hermit, etc), what kind of religious vocation is there for you, should it turn out you have one? My husband and I have a friend who is a revert and has been going through the unusual process of trying to become a nonvirginal single who has since become chaste, married to Christ, and working out the particulars of becoming a hermit. Is such a lifestyle a portent to come of a new movement? We don't know. All one can do is strive to keep the faith and hold fast to God as He works to make all things, good and bad, toward the good of His kingdom.
Agree. I have also read this work of JPII
Mad respect from someone who did not take the path you so honestly describe here but deeply admires you for doing so. God bless you, Man. Thank you for writing this excellent post. I’ll see you in Glory. https://youtu.be/5Jj0ZTzgmGM?feature=shared