Should Women Date Men Who Watch Porn? If Not, Who Else is Left?

Yesterday an incredibly thoughtful woman reached out to me for my perspective: “Tell me your thoughts on porn, Kaeley,” she said. “Given what we know about the high percentages of men (both inside and outside the church ) who watch porn, do you think it’s okay for women to date them?”

I was impressed by her nuanced approach to the subject. It was helpful that we seemed to share an underlying premise: Porn is poison. It hurts everything it touches and wreaks havoc on both a personal and relational level. It divorces the sexual act from human intimacy and reduces it to a transaction. It fosters highly unrealistic expectations about how sex should be. It rewires the brain’s arousal mechanisms in destructive ways. Lest you write this off as puritanical moralizing, it’s an assertion that’s substantiated by tons of studies, many of which are freely available on the fantastic website “Fight the New Drug.” As the people who created this resource put it: “Porn kills love.”

I’ll share a poignant excerpt from one of the articles on the site, though I encourage you to read the piece in its entirety and to explore the studies cited within it:

One study, for example, tracked couples over a six-year period to see what factors influenced the quality of their marriage and their satisfaction with their sex lives. The researchers found that of all the factors considered, porn consumption was the second strongest indicator that a marriage would suffer. Not only that, but the marriages that were harmed the most were those of individuals who viewed porn the most.

According to another study, individuals who watched porn alone reported twice the rate of cheating on their partner in comparison to couples who didn’t watch porn at all. And interestingly enough, individuals who viewed porn alone and with their partners reported three times the rate of cheating.

Ultimately, the research showed that those who never viewed pornography reported higher relationship quality—on every measure—than those who viewed pornography alone.

If I haven’t yet sold you on the destructive nature of porn, perhaps this other piece I wrote can help in that capacity. But I can’t afford to stray too much further into those weeds today. For purposes of this conversation, the subject at hand is how to navigate the dating world with the knowledge that more than half the dating pool is actively fostering a porn habit. Even conservative estimates indicate that at least 57% of men watch porn on a regular basis.

I’ll pause here to acknowledge that steadily increasing numbers of women watch porn, too. The percentages are still much higher for male viewers, but we should probably start a separate conversation about the increase in female porn consumption. For purposes of streamlining this specific discussion, I’m going to focus on the men, but please know that I’m fully aware of the fact that porn is a problem plaguing both sexes.

And listen, I get it—the struggle is real. I remember the days when we used to have to drive to the video store to rent a VHS. There was this one section of our local video place that was closed off with swinging doors, and we were told as children that it contained the inappropriate sex movies, so when I observed the patrons who entered that space, I judged them severely for it. They had to commit to their deviance in a relatively public way. A choice to enter that zone was a choice to say, “Yep. I watch porn.” I’m not entirely opposed to efforts to restore public stigma within reason. I think it’s pretty healthy to have an “Ew, gross” kneejerk response to the mention of porn.

But now it’s in virtually every pocket, relentlessly flooding the newsfeeds of even the most ardent believers who are working hard to faithfully avoid temptation. It’s available 24 hours a day at just the click of a button, and no one has to know about it. It’s one of the devil’s most effective schemes for hamstringing men and keeping them locked in shame and secrecy, too distracted and emasculated to live out their God-given assignments.

Who can really feign surprise at the global crisis of masculinity when we know how many millions of them are routinely filling their minds with dehumanizing filth?

So how do we balance compassion for the men who struggle with porn with the wisdom and boundaries the women who love these guys so desperately need? What does this look like in the context of dating? What about in the context of marriage?

There are only a few things I feel confident enough to say with boldness on this topic. Beyond that, I think there are still so many questions that would benefit from robust public discussion. For that reason, I’ll be opening the comment section of this isolated blog to the general public rather than reserving it exclusively for paid subscribers. My prayer is that fruitful brainstorming can happen on a topic that’s honestly so relevant to so many in today’s pornsick world.

Here’s what I can say with confidence and conviction:

1. The amount of porn that Christians should tolerate is zero. It is pure foolishness to willingly decide to date a man who is openly and unapologetically committed to his porn habit. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that I believe porn is demonic. It is sin. Christians aren’t given wiggle room to make peace with sin. We are expressly commanded to master it. Would you date someone who says, “I don’t think stealing is wrong, and I have no intention of stopping”? Of course not. The same rings true here. Don’t date anyone who lacks the moral compass to at least understand that porn is wrong. It just won’t end well.
   
   In some ways, asking “How much porn should you tolerate?” is like asking “How much methamphetamine should you tolerate? Porn may not destroy the physical body, but it is every bit as destructive to the soul. You cannot afford to willingly tether yourself to someone who’s committed to the harm of self and others. Do not collect $200. Do not pass go. If you’re not already married to such a man, pull the plug, cut your losses, and move on.
   
   If you are already married to such a man, he is behaving like an unbeliever. He has abandoned his marriage vows. He is guilty of unrepentant infidelity. You are free to leave if you so choose. You do not need to put up with this kind of degradation and disrespect for the rest of your life.

2. If you decide to take a chance on a guy who has expressed a desire to kill his porn habit, you’re both going to have to be okay with awkward conversations, invasive accountability measures, and clearly defined boundaries. There’s just no circumventing this reality. This is clearly understood in the context of other addictions, where strict parameters and support networks are put into place to help keep the addicts on track. Resistance to these measures is a red flag. People who are ready to change will be willing to put in the work, however inconvenient. You’ll need to put some of the following questions out on the table and cultivate open communication around them:
   

   * What’s the action plan?
   * Who will provide accountability? What will that look like?
   * Who will function as the support network?
   * What’s the course of action in the event of a relapse?
   * What’s the time frame allotted for rehabilitation?
   
   This can feel harsh, invasive, and punitive, but I’m not sure there’s really an alternative. Women can’t be expected to wait for decades for men to get their ducks in a row. I’ve fielded way too many messages from grieving and exasperated wives who’ve been stuck in decades-long marriages to men who promised they were working to kick their porn addictions and put in just enough work to get the church leaders off their shoulders, only to secretly continue doing exactly what they’ve always done as their wives slowly die a little more inside with every passing day.
   
   As a male friend put it, “If you’re not seeing significant progress after a year, he doesn’t actually want to change.” And that’s your answer. If you wouldn’t put up with five years of heroin addiction, you shouldn’t put up with five years of porn addiction. Addiction is addiction, and in the context of relationship, addiction always demands the driver’s seat. It permeates everything else. You cannot foster spiritual health when this is your reality.
   

   The woman who initiated this discussion yesterday made some relevant points about how issuing ultimatums and the like can increase the risk of creating unhealthy relationship dynamics where the non-addict ends up feeling like she’s mothering, and the addict ends up feeling like he’s always on trial. And she’s not wrong. It’s a legitimate concern. I’m just not sure I see an alternative. I can’t, in good conscience, say I think it’s wise to just ignore the issue or hope and pray from a distance that he’ll just work in out on his own. We know too much about the nature of addiction to believe that’s likely to happen.
   

3. Trust your gut, not your heart. Pray for discernment. Is he open with you about his past failures and current struggles, or does he tend to whitewash and minimize them? Does he avoid the conversation altogether? Does he get irritated with you when you bring it up? Does he change the discussion or somehow try to switch it up to put you in the hot seat? There’s often a lot of shame that rises to the surface in these conversations, and time has proven to me that rage is shame’s bodyguard. Some people would rather claw your eyes out than allow you to clearly see their secrets. If there’s anger in his communication with you on this topic, I would take a big step back.
   
   What do his sexual boundaries with you reveal about his relationship with porn? My ex-husband was a porn addict, and I ignored soooo many red flags along the way. He fully denied any porn consumption, but he once asked me if I would consider having a threesome. This is a man I thought was a Christian. This is not normal behavior. This is pornsick behavior. Months later, I discovered secret email addresses and accounts with alter egos all linked to porn sites, but I had been so eager to believe the best that I ultimately gaslit myself out of trusting my instincts. Don’t do that to yourself.
   
   One of my favorite Bible verses is Isaiah 30:21, which says, “Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’”
   
   And it’s so true that when you’re earnestly seeking God’s face and seeking His guidance and listening for His voice, He will put that inner knowing in you that says, “This is what wisdom looks like. This is what you need to do.” Heed that voice!

If it were up to me, I would just say, “Don’t date someone who watches porn. Period.” If it weeds out 75% of the dating pool, so be it. There are a few situations in this life where it’s actually really good to be exceptionally picky. Romantic attachments are one of them. God wouldn’t tell us to “Guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life” if He didn’t mean it.

But realistically, there are some solid men out there who genuinely love the Lord and who would make excellent husbands, but they still struggle with sin like the rest of us do. And if they’re sincerely committed to mastering their sin, it might not be good to write them off entirely. Maybe write them off until they can prove that they’ve done the work? If they’re truly interested in you, they’ll be willing to work that hard and wait that long? I’m personally leaning in this direction in terms of the counsel I would be inclined to give.

But I’m open to changing my mind if the arguments presented are good enough. So now’s your time to shine. What are your thoughts? What would you add? What would you challenge? What other hiccups or obstacles do you foresee? What have you learned from your own experience?

Let’s talk.

I'm working to treat my writing like a job, so if you appreciate my writing, I would be so grateful if you would consider investing in a paid subscription. I try to keep my costs low, but my family thanks you for every dollar you invest in my writing. Thanks so much for your support!